Living each day… (A Post from Angie)

Posted by on Apr 11, 2013 in Updates | 35 Comments

I’ve always heard people say to “Live each day as though it were your last.”  I’ve never really understood exactly how to do that, but I would think about it often and wonder if I were living how I would really want to if it were my last.  But, how do you live each day knowing in a very tangible way that it could be your love’s last day? This, I have no idea and it actually seems much harder to me.  And for the past 7 months this thought has been consistently in my head, and for the past 3 weeks not a moment has gone by that I don’t think about it.  It is with me everywhere.  In the hospital, I felt like I was watching Will die and with every moment that passed I felt like I was dying with him and in some ways I was.  I didn’t know if we would ever walk through the door of our apartment together again.  I didn’t know if I would ever hug him again without a brace in between us.  I tried to wrap my brain around the fact that we were talking about burial locations.

But the day came that we were able to come home.  We did walk through our door again and Will seemed better.  But, a couple of days later, he was once again declining.  Was it the cancer?  Was it the new regimen we had him on?  There was/is no way of knowing what is going on in Will’s body.  Is he getting better?  Is he getting worse?  As the days go by, I become more and more aware of the fact that we are at the end of the 3-week mark since we were told he only had weeks left.  Throughout the day I glance over at his chest… is he still breathing?  He is… thank you Lord.  I ask myself… do I take a shower now…does he seem okay to be away for a few minutes?  Can I go to sleep, or should I stay up to watch him?  Will he wake up in the morning?  And every morning, from the moment my eyes open, I hold my breath until I see him take one.  But, each morning he has and the past few mornings he has seemed a little bit better.  Is this the ebb and flow of the cancer, or is he improving?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what is going on inside of his body, but I know that we have been given more moments of alertness and energy.  More moments of laughter and even the occasional moment of not thinking about the word cancer.

My sister and I were talking the other day about how in the fall of 2002, Will, my sister, and I were driving back to Union University after being in Indiana for a family reunion over Labor Day.  Kelli was driving, Will was in the front passenger’s seat, and I was in the back.  We were headed down an Indiana highway on our way to I-65.  Will, trying to get comfortable for the 8-hour drive ahead of us, unbuckled his seat belt for a moment to readjust. It was that very moment that a truck coming off of a country road pulled out right in front of us.  Going about 60 miles per hour and with a full tank of gas, we slammed right into the side of that truck. Our car was totaled. Will hit the windshield so hard that there were two dents in it: one from his shoulder and the other from his head.  How he didn’t fly through the windshield, or why he (or any of us) didn’t die or become seriously injured that day is a mystery.

I’ve thought about that day a lot lately.  I think about how bad that wreck was and how Will probably should have died, but he didn’t.  It obviously wasn’t his time on that day, in that moment.  He had more life to live.  That is a comforting thought for me now.  It reminds me that life can not be “taken” away from us.  Our days are just numbered.  Does Will have more life to live this time?  Well, he’s living today, and it’s been a good day, and yesterday was a good day and the day before that and I am thankful.  I do still long for a day that I don’t check to see if he’s breathing, but I wonder if in this season I actually have a better grasp of the fragility of life than the days that I don’t/didn’t even think about if Will was breathing or not.  I don’t know.  Life is a really confusing thing these days for me.  But instead of being overwhelmed by how much I don’t understand, I am trying my best to be thankful for what we have.  I don’t know that I do this well, but I’m trying.  Today, I will be thankful that we hugged for the first time without Will’s brace.  Hearing his heart beat, feeling his chest move with each breath… these are things I will cherish all my days, and I hope I will never again take for granted.

25 Comments

  1. Janet leonard
    April 14, 2013

    Your testimony is absolutely amazing! The love you have for each other is touching.
    You have been an inspiration to so many people. May God continue to wrap you both in his arms. Am still praying for a miracle.

    Reply
  2. Beth Skinner
    April 14, 2013

    I do not know you. I know of you through a friend. Please know you are in my prayers often. Nearly 17 years ago at age 36, I traveled this road. It may serm strange to someone who has not, but a part of me honestly believed there was no way I would continue to breathe if he did not. Our lives were that intertwined. But I did continue to breathe. I breathed through the sheer will of God because I had none of my own. I breathed because my love needed me to. He needed me to live life enough for the both of us. And I did. Slowly at first. But more and more with great intention. In caring for him and…after. I continued to live and breathe because I know from our savior that his father’s house has many rooms. My love just stepped into another one of them for now. I pray for Will’s healing, I pray for strength in those moments you feel there is none. I pray for your peace when it is elusive. Mostly I just pray.

    Reply
  3. Julie Helt
    April 14, 2013

    Angie and Will, Thank you for sharing. You are teaching us about love and life with Christ. Your faith and trust in God comes through. Your love and commitment to each other and God comes through loud and strong. Keeping you in our prayers, each and every day.

    Reply
  4. Kristy McNutt
    April 13, 2013

    Angie and William,

    I pray that William is fightging SO STRONG!!! If anyone knows it is you Angie…William was always so caring and sweeet.
    My family will continue to pray. Love you William

    Reply
  5. Carol & Brad
    April 13, 2013

    Thank you for sharing and letting us be a part of your life. Everyone’s updates really help us understand the situation and we somehow feel like we’re there with you. Xxx

    Reply
  6. Holly
    April 13, 2013

    We have never met. I was a KD at Union before you were there and that is how I heard of you and Will. I am praying for you both. I pray that God gives you the peace that passes all understanding. AOT!
    Holly

    Reply
  7. Nancy Elliott
    April 13, 2013

    Will,
    You and Angie are in my prayers every moment. May God continue to hold you tightly and breathe His precious life into you.
    Love,
    Nancy E

    Reply
  8. Shirley Howard
    April 13, 2013

    Angie ,have been praying for Will to feel better each day,so you can hug all the time !
    You are an amazing wife ,God knew what he was doing when he put you two together.

    Reply
  9. Rebecca
    April 13, 2013

    Praying in the wee hours of the morning for healing- for the cancer to shrink- for it to be gone- for Will’s body to get stronger. Heal him God. Heal Him and may it shine you power and glory for all to see!

    Sending love and hope.

    Rebecca

    Reply
  10. Scott Wheatley
    April 12, 2013

    Angie,

    I am a childhood friend of William’s. I have so many great memories with him. Unfortunately I haven’t seen him in several years – therefore I’ve never had a chance to meet you. But I and so many others are blessed to see your courage, sacrifice, and unconditional love for Will. I am so thankful that The Lord blessed William with you – you are a rock! Please know that i pray daily for you and William – you are constantly on my mind. And please tell William that I love him and I’m still waiting for him to come at in Charlotte!

    Reply
  11. heather englert davis
    April 12, 2013

    Jason and I are praying for you, Angie, and your precious husband. Much love and thoughts to you both! AOT my dear sister!

    Reply
  12. Kimberly
    April 12, 2013

    Hi Angie,
    I want you to know that I am praying. So many are, but I’ve been thinking of you even as I have been away from Crossroads. And I know you are loved.

    This may sound so trite, but you and Will have the favor of the Lord, even in this strange and awful time. We only met once, but the Lord wakes me to pray and I know His love in turned towards you and Will.

    When Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead in John 11, He says something that made me think of you. I don’t know if this will encourage you, but somehow it seems true at this time.

    “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I know that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” (vs. 41-42)

    May your love of God and Will grow more and more.
    Will we are fighting in prayer for you.
    Love in Christ,
    Kimberly Aronoff

    Reply
  13. Kristen Fleischauer
    April 12, 2013

    Angie, thanks so much for sharing. Praying, praying, and praying.

    I wanted to share this song with you as THIS IS YOU. Thank you for your love, courage and strength.

    Reply
  14. Nancy LaRocco
    April 12, 2013

    Dear Angie, Thank you for sharing your heart . Your love for Will is so sweet, your devotion so beautiful. God is awesome in all of this. Will is still alive and we pray the prayers of healing and hope. You have found treasure in the difficult place Is. 45:3. Keep trusting. We feel your love in every update. You have touched so many of us and we love you both.

    Reply
  15. John
    April 12, 2013

    Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful, powerful, honest, and vulnerable words. It takes a lot of courage to do so and it is encouraging all of us who read. It is a beautiful story to walk through with #goteamgray. Continually praying and hoping…

    Reply
  16. Brad
    April 12, 2013

    Angie,

    Carol and I talk about the two of you every day and have asked everyone we know to pray for you. You both show an incredible amount of strength and I really admire you both.

    We love you and hope to see you soon.

    Brad

    Reply
  17. Judy
    April 12, 2013

    One suffers and they both suffer. (I don’t know why my computer just decided to post while I’m in the midst of writing). Heavenly Father, we don’t know why Will is so ill right now. I don’t know if it would help if we had all the answers. Please just bring this young beautiful couple together in your love and bliss on peace that surpasses all understanding. Heavenly Father please give Will the strength he needs to get through what he is experiencing and please give Angie the strength she needs to get through what she is experiencing. Thank you Lord for allowing us to be a part of this journey with them both. Thank you for Angie sharing her heart so openly and honestly. Her pain is palpable. Thank you for allowing us to pray for this couple and to bring them some kind of comfort. For you promise where two or more are gathered in prayer to you we shall be heard. Please surround this beautiful couple’s home in peaceful love and positive energy. Please take care of each of their needs and bring them peace and rest today as they wonder what is next and pray for the best. Heavenly Father I lift Will up to you boldly in prayer today and ask that you heal his body. Heavenly Father you make miracles happen every single day. We need one now. Please restore Will’s body to health so that he can continue to spread your message to the world and bring more of us to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen. oxox

    Reply
  18. Judy
    April 12, 2013

    Oh our dear heavenly father, please hear our cries. Dear Lord, wrap Will and Angie together as one in your arms and rock them. Rock the hurt and pain and fear and doubt away. Rock them both together as they are one with one another. Rock them together with you dear Lord as they are one together with you. Dear Lord, rock them both into a place of peace and understanding and accepting. Heavenly Father I pray that you place your loving healing hands upon Will and upon Angie. One suffers not more than the other. One

    Reply
  19. Cindi Idle
    April 12, 2013

    You are eloquent in your expression of what your heart is feeling through this ordeal. I can see God has prepared you for all you are going through. It is a blessing to my heart to see His work in your life. I continue to pray for you and Will.

    Much love…

    Reply
  20. Ryan
    April 12, 2013

    So nice to get your update. You are an amazing person and your ability to share is remarkable. It has changed my life for sure. Thinking of you guys!

    Reply
  21. slc*
    April 12, 2013

    i don’t personally know you angie but you are a warrior princess for god! thank you for sharing as it has reminded me to look to christ alone in all circumstances in life…we will continue to pray for will and you. i firmly believe that god’s purpose will be known within you both! hupomone!!!

    Reply
  22. Christi
    April 12, 2013

    God bless you and wrap His arms of comfort around you. Thank you for writing so honestly. Praying for you both

    Reply
  23. Crystal R. Taylor
    April 12, 2013

    Sweet Angie,
    It is good to “hear” an update from you. My prayer for you both every morning and througout the day is simply, “God please grant them what they need.” I thank him for granting these days of energy for you both. I will as I know others will as well continue to pray.

    Crystal Taylor

    Reply
  24. Jodi
    April 12, 2013

    So exciting to hear!! Thank you for being strong and brave and trying!!
    The more positive vibes we all send to Will the stronger he will be!! Oxygen kills cancer- drink green everything- tsp of baking soda in water w tsp raw honey 2x a day Or Cottage cheese or quark w Flax oil- it all gets the oxygen in where it needs to be! So happy that Will is improving! RAW ALOE FORCE is awesome too!!!
    Thank YOU!! So so thankful for good news. xoxo

    Reply
  25. Brittni Stallings
    April 11, 2013

    You are an incredible woman, Angie. & Will, an exceptional man. Together you are an impeccable team. Through this tough time you have encouraged, inspired & have given hope to many people who have never met you. I am praying for you both everyday. Comforting hugs to the two of you.

    Reply

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