Just Try To Breathe (From Angie)

Posted by on Aug 27, 2013 in Updates | 32 Comments

How to grieve. How to live. How to just exist to get to the next moment. Maybe it’s through writing…? I don’t know, but maybe I’ll try because I’m sitting here in an almost empty apartment. Internet is turned off. “FRIENDS” DVDs are packed away. And, I’m waiting. Waiting to the sounds of incredibly loud sirens outside my window and vacuums inside, while I try to drown myself in music so that I don’t have a panic attack. Down times like these are often the hardest and the sound of sirens are too often my breaking point. Life is happening all around me, but my world no longer has the feeling of movement, just the effort of existing.

Movers came yesterday and took everything but a few bags and what my parents will be driving across the country this week, loading it up in a truck headed for Nashville, TN. It was one of the hardest days of my life. One month to the day of Will’s passing. Hopes of this places that never came to be. Hopes of healing. Hopes of knowing our neighbors. Having people over to hang out or play Wii with us. Hopes of sleeping in our bedroom again side by side… and Will being able to lay flat. Hopes of hosting Thanksgiving again. Hopes of a place where Will could have co-writers over to write.

Every place we ever moved to came with a list of hopes and dreams. I don’t think we ever rented a place or made any purchase without saying, “With this I / we can…” All of those hopes are gone. As my parents and I taped up each box I was reminded of what will never be, with Will’s music playing in the background just to hear his voice and to distract my mind from all the terrible things that happened in this place.

I don’t know how to do this. I haven’t known how to do any of this. Truth is, I just don’t want to do it. I want it to be different. I want Will here with me.

Breathing is too hard these days. The emotions are too extreme. Extreme sadness. Extreme anger. Extreme depression. With an occasional moment of deep thankfulness. I can’t handle the extremes so I suppress… just to get through the day. I’ve had a lot of practice at suppressing my feelings so I can function. It’s not something I would recommend as healthy, but what do you do when life doesn’t stop? I think the world should have stopped… everything should have stopped when Will died. Not because my world did — although it kind of did — but because I think his life was worth stopping for. But, it didn’t. It doesn’t. The next moment comes whether I want it to or not and with it the responsibilities of that moment. I don’t really know what that means, I just feel it. I feel the weight of living… of getting up each morning and trying to do something… things I have to do and things I wish I wanted to do because of what Will devoted his life to, what we devoted our lives to.

I feel like most of the time I’m just trying to make it through to the next moment. For the last 12 years, Will and I did everything together. Even when we weren’t in the same place physically, everything was together. Now, I feel an emptiness — a void I’ve never felt before. He filled a void I didn’t know that I had when I met him. I always felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, I tried so hard to figure out who I was. What I wanted to be and do. Negative thoughts about myself were my constant companion. I wanted to love people, but I didn’t know how I could ever make anyone feel loved when it felt like everything I did or said was wrong. I wanted to help people, but my fear of not being helpful paralyzed me. I wanted to live my life for a greater good, for the betterment of someone else, but I didn’t know how.

Then I met Will.

We were a perfect fit for each other. Our personalities, our dreams, our hopes, our worldview complimented and challenged each other. We loved each other deeply and believed in each other whole heartedly, even when it felt like no one else did. With all my insecurities, Will loved me for me. He thought I was beautiful. He loved my personality… what had always been my greatest foe, what I viewed had kept me from all I dreamed of… he didn’t just accept or tolerate it, it was what he always told me made him the best him. He just loved me. He believed in me. He believed I could do anything and he didn’t just say it with words. He always jumped right in with me in whatever I wanted to do. He bought me books when I wanted to learn something new. He helped me study for tests. He started designing my website and business cards when I wanted to start a business. He helped me edit my writing and resumes. He helped me pick out clothes for interviews. He helped me articulate and shape my ideas. It helped that he was really good at everything. He was in it with me from the beginning to the end. He would wait anxiously to get the report upon my return from whatever it was I was doing and he would listen to every little detail. He gave me courage and confidence I had never had before or at least didn’t know I had. With him, I really felt like we could accomplish anything.

What do I do now, there is a void that can never be filled and it feels paralyzing. I can’t even articulate in my own mind what I feel. I think it’s so deep that just to even skim the surface of it is too much, so I shut it off. My goal is to just make it through this week. If I can just make it to Nashville. Start counseling. Be in a place that doesn’t torment me with memories and images. Maybe try to process some of this… at least try to figure out how I can make it to the next moment without the extremes that physically hurt my body. I just miss him. To hug him, kiss him, sit next to him… that would heal so much of what is broken in my mind and heart, but that will never happen now. So I guess I either shut it all off so I can finish packing to get through this week, or I just try to breathe. Sit with my friends. Sit with my family… and just try to breathe.

26 Comments

  1. Deborah Hemstreet
    August 29, 2013

    Dear Angie,

    I don’t know you, but a friend shared your blog with me. I lost my husband 3 years ago. I just want to encourage you to keep breathing, and I know it sounds weird, but be thankful for the pain. If you had not known great joy, happiness and fulfillment with your precious Will, you would nor be feeling the pain you feel now.

    Thank you for shaing. What you wrote comforted me with regard to a surprise comment from someone to me this week. They said, you are young and beautiful, there will be someone else for you. I suppose I could have gotten angry, but the comment took me by surprise as I realized that no one has told me I’m beautiful since Rich died. And I missed his hugs and the way he bilt me up. But I was thankful for the memories as I cried later on.

    Each of us grieves differently and you will never stop missing your beloved. But you are not alone. Feel free to write if you want, and know, you remain beloved, and beautiful… Thank you for having the courage to share.

    In His Great Grace,

    Deborah

    Reply
  2. Cheryl
    August 29, 2013

    My heart aches for u Angie. Take one moment at a time, one minute at a time. U r an inspiration to me. Thank u for sharing your deepest thoughts. God bless u

    Reply
  3. Melissa
    August 29, 2013

    Angie, I didn’t know Will, but I am from Paris too, and heard of him through my cousin who knew him. I have followed your story here, and want you to know I will be praying for you. I live outside of Nashville now. I will pray for your safe trip here and that you settle in quickly and are able to begin healing. God bless.

    Reply
  4. Sylvia
    August 29, 2013

    Hi Angie, you don’t know me and I’ve never met Will before, but started following this blog earlier this year. You are truly an inspiration. Your faith and how you stood by your husband to the end. I’m soooo sorry for your loss. I have been praying for you all since I first became aware of Will’s diagnoses. I still periodically check back to see if you’ve left any updates. Know that people are praying daily for you. You have countless people standing in the gap for you.

    I too live outside of Nashville in Brentwood. So welcome back to Tn. Keep writing and I will keep reading and praying for you fervently everyday. I know that it may be very hard to see right now but I declare by faith that your BEST days are still ahead of you. God is carrying you through this and He will reward your faithfulness!! Breathe and take 1 second, minute, hour, and day at a time.

    Reply
  5. Brooke M.
    August 29, 2013

    Angie – Thank you for your blog updates & keeping me informed on how I can best pray for you. I am praying for God to give you lots of blessings right now. Whether it’s quiet time, rest, a good laugh, an unexpected surprise, whatever it is, I pray that He will give you peace & comfort right now. You’re loved more than you will ever know. Keep writing & I’ll keep reading…& praying for you.

    Reply
  6. Jason Slattery
    August 29, 2013

    Angie –

    Your honesty here is tremendous. I am so impressed with how you’re not holding anything back. Please continue to do so. We are all so proud of you. We believe in you. I think your core idea is the right one – you have to take it one day, hour, minute, breath at a time.

    Stay honest with us. Please.

    Reply
  7. Jeni Gregory
    August 29, 2013

    sometimes, if you listen carefully, you will hear breathing. It will remind you to do the same. That is the grace of God moving you to the next chapter. Gently, with mercy, patience, understanding of your anger, the steady in and out of breathing…God knows. He is standing in the void with you. You don’t have to understand. You will hear…you will know…the Body of Christ (some on this blog) are standing in the void with you…holding you up with the mere breathing of our prayers of encouragement. One breath at a time…that is how life is done…one breath at a time. Will is so proud of you.

    Reply
  8. Pam
    August 29, 2013

    Your expression of your current struggle is so incredibly powerful. Will is with you and will guide you in this next chapter of your life.

    Reply
  9. Luke & Sheri DeJaynes
    August 29, 2013

    Angie, we love you and we’d absolutely love to see you when you are in Nashville. Please call us if you need any help moving stuff. We’ll always be here for you!

    Reply
  10. Ellen Sheridan-Harness
    August 29, 2013

    Angie- I’ve never met you or Will. A coworker in Tacoma WA knew Will. I started reading your blog and agree with Tami- you have a gift for writing!!
    A book about your experience would be a “best seller!”
    Please keep us all posted on your progress as I know it will be “progress.” All the gifts the Will gave you are still there, maybe not today, but they are available for you to use when ready! You are an amazingly strong, brave women. Best of everything in this next chapter…

    Reply
  11. Eileen Trombacco
    August 29, 2013

    Angie, my heart is with you I do understand. I lost my beloved husband of 30 years just two years ago and I still miss him so much. When I awake in the morning and thank God for another day the quiet in the home and no one there to share my day with is so hurtful and yet we must go on. I follow God now I always ask Jesus to take my hand and guide me through the day. I hear you and feel your pain. Your Will is with you every day he lives in your heart as my Jim does in mine. Take it one day at a time. We are praying for you. Be strong.

    God Bless you
    Eileen

    Reply
  12. Matt Inman
    August 29, 2013

    praying for this week. for easier breathes, for safe travels, for good-byes and new hellos of friends. thanks for your words

    Reply
  13. Tammy Bullock
    August 29, 2013

    Angie,

    When the right time comes you can also remember the incredible things Will taught you and put them to use… One day – you will! I was devastated when my mother passed. Like Will she always encouraged me in whatever I wanted to do. Although I was married and had a son, I felt lost without her. She had a doctorate in education and I promised her that I would finish my degree but hadn’t done so before she passed. A few months after she passed and at 40 years old, I started classes at Belmont University and got a degree in ministry. In January I will start graduate classes at Trevecca University for a masters degree in clinical counseling. I have been doing Christian counseling through Kairos – a young adult worship service at Brentwood Baptist Church, and in the inner city for the past two years. To be honest, I have been counseling women my entire adult life. This is something God had planned for my life and always pointed me in that direction.

    YOU ARE AN AMAZING WRITER! Continue to write. I know that I will continue to read whatever you put out there… I could see from the first post I read that you have the gift of writing. Perhaps God is and has always pointed you in that direction. In time, God will call out to you through your gifts and passion (which I think is writing) and you will awaken to that call. In truth you are already awake to it and it is what helps you breathe. In turn, you bless people like me because I love to read what you have to write.

    My name is Tammy Bullock. I am an African American woman married to a Caucasian man – though the reverse, I have a great appreciation for you! I have been praying for you and Will for some time now. Will went to college with a friend of mine named Amy Little and he really knew her husband, Kevin Little. Several months ago, Amy asked a group of us to pray for the two of you and it is a part of what I do each day – pray for you. I know you are on your way to Nashville. I live in Nashville in the Nippers Corner area. I do not start classes until January and would love to have coffee, lunch, whatever with you. I would love to be your friend and encourage you – that comes naturally for me. You are not alone. You are loved. Even if I do not meet you in person, I will continue to pray for you and look to see how God is working in your life. I will continue to read whatever you write as long as you continue to write!

    Sincere Love and Blessings,
    Tammy B.

    Tammy Bullock
    5941 Westheimer Drive
    Brentwood, TN 37027
    615-415-8160

    Reply
  14. shealerChris
    August 29, 2013

    Angie,
    We’ve never met, and I only met Will once, but I have followed your journey these past months through prayer and prayer and prayer.

    As I read your post today, I realized you were writing this at the moment I was praying for you on my way to work. I weep with you and mourn a man I barely knew, but loved…and in the midst of this great sadness and mourning, it’s as though God is saying—“Angie, you’re not alone. See, I had some stranger praying for you as you poured your heart out. Hold on, breathe, hold on and breathe. I’m going to take you through this and bring you to a new place. Let me hold you and comfort you and be all you need.”

    I am praying, will continue praying and trust and believe our ABBA will lavish HIS abundant love and guidance upon you

    Reply
  15. Laurie Dhonau
    August 29, 2013

    Angie,
    My heart breaks for you. I wish there was something, anything I could do to ease your pain, even a little . . . but I know there’s not. You’re right: Will’s life was definitely worth stopping for. This morning, once again, I stopped. I read your blog, I cried, I prayed for you and everyone who loves Will, and I thanked God for your continued presence in our lives. Now, I will move . . . I will follow Will’s example and fight to use every gift God has given me, hoping to make this world a little better and a little brighter. Because he certainly did, even for those of us who never met him face-to-face.

    Reply
  16. Linda Burnette
    August 29, 2013

    Angie, our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. I know that you will survive this with God’s help even though it seems unbearable. Take care, Angie.

    Reply
  17. Toya
    August 29, 2013

    Angie, we have never met but I have met Will. I am delighted to know that you will be moving here to Nashville during this time of grieving. There are so many people that I know already love you here and are praying for you. People that I am sure you already know and people like me who haven’t met you yet but have held you in their hearts during this unbelievably difficult time. I’m just really glad you’ll be here soon.

    Reply
  18. Heidi
    August 28, 2013

    I was listening to the song Closer To You the other day and it made me think of you and Will, the line “I feel close to God when I’m closer to you.” All you have to do right now is just breathe. Others are praying for you. AOT.

    Reply
  19. Matthew Polashek
    August 28, 2013

    The part about not knowing how to do this….that’s exactly how I feel too. I lost my wife in an auto accident 7/7/13 and I’ve been lost ever since.

    Reply
  20. Alison
    August 28, 2013

    I know Kelli from UU. I live in Franklin, TN and I just want to give you a big hug when you get here. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I have followed it from the beginning. I have been inspired by your faith in the God that made the universe. I can imagine that just exhaling must be difficult, but just do it. God gave you that precious breathe for a reason. He loves you!

    Reply
  21. Lara
    August 28, 2013

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I hope you will be patient with yourself as you go moment to moment.

    Reply
  22. Beth
    August 28, 2013

    Praying for you.

    Reply
  23. John
    August 28, 2013

    Thank you so dearly for sharing with us Angie. Your honesty is enlightening to us all. I realize how little I’ve understood of pain and hurt throughout my life. You, bringing us into your story has given me understanding. I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know if the hurt will ever go away or even subside. I hope so. I wonder how long you have to suppress your emotions so that you can simply bear to live. It doesn’t make sense at all. But thank you for letting us be with you. We all love you so much.

    Reply
  24. Jackie Shaw
    August 28, 2013

    Angie you gave Will courage and confidence too…you are in my prayers..thank you..you don’t know how much you just helped me with your testimony! May God forever bless and keep you!

    Reply
  25. Becky Miller
    August 28, 2013

    In time

    Reply
    • Whitney Thompson
      August 28, 2013

      I know Elizabeth Straube who was very good friends with my brother. My brother was in an accident in December and he is no longer with us (I still can’t say or even type the “d” word. I couldn’t stop crying so I just got up to see what was on facebook and I found you. Thank you

      Reply

Leave a Reply