Sometimes I feel like I have so much on my mind and heart that it just comes pouring out when I sit down to write. Other times I feel like an update on Will is needed, but I really don't know what to say. The latter is the case this time.
Yesterday was the five-week mark since we learned the cancer had spread. These five weeks have been full of ups and downs, terror and joy, laughter and tears.
The sun continues to rise and set and, by the grace of God, Will has been given a new day of life with each morning. Some days are excruciating. He'll struggle to breath, and I fear that each breath could be his last. So, I lay by his side throughout the day taking in every moment I have with him. But evening comes, the sun sets, and the next morning he is still with us and his breathing is clear. Other days, there are signs of improvement. His arms shake less as he pushes himself out of bed, and he's a little more stable when walking to the other room. Towards the end of this week, he even started exercising in bed and can now do 3 sets of 10 of each exercise his physical therapist provided. I am encouraged by these small yet huge improvements.
Will and I don't know how to do this ... life with cancer, and hopefully, life post cancer. We don't know how to live each day with what we face every morning. Part of me will think, "I just want to move on from this and live life," but without fail I rarely can complete that thought without "this
is our life right now" taking over my mind. This is not what we would choose for our lives, but it is life. It is our day to day. It is our 24/7. What is it about my mind that makes me think this is somehow not living, but spending my Saturday afternoon running errands or going for a hike or cuddling and watching a movie is? I don't know. That was our Saturday a year ago. Now, our Saturday, and every other day, is scheduled by the hour (and sometimes half hour). It starts bright and early, actually dark and early would be more accurate, and goes until midnight or later. It's a balance between nutrition and rest, exercise and rest, engagement and rest. It's trying to be so in tune with Will's body that I can sense which one he needs and when. Some days I think it works out well and others it doesn't. But with all of this, we are trying to love ... each other, the people around us, God. That's what we wanted for our lives, our day to day to be... to love. It's just in a much different way than we ever could have thought or desired or imagined.
For me, the nights are the hardest. That is when my incredible family, who is here helping, goes to bed, and when I listen and watch as Will sleeps. The sound of Will snoring is beautiful to my ears ... it let's me know he is sleeping deeply. I pray this sound continues as I struggle to fall asleep praying that it doesn't change into a struggle for breath.
I guess the continuing challenge with all of this is figuring out how to live life well ... whatever the day to day looks like. I know a year ago I would never have believed we could live through what we have these past seven months or not be completely paralyzed by some of the things we have seen and had to do. This is definitely a fight I never could have prepared myself for, but we are here and the fight continues.
19 Comments
Autumn (Lowery) McFall
May 1, 2013Angie and Will, I have continued to keep you in my prayers. I can’t fathom what you are going through, and I admire your continued display of faith through it all. I pray for comfort, peace, healing, and strength, among other things. Day and night, you are on my mind. Just remember, through Christ, all things are possible.
Vicky Lancaster
May 1, 2013WILLIAM ,
You are in my thoughts and prayer continually! Talk to Sam and he let me know what a great help partner your wife Angie is to you! Praise the Lord for putting the two of you together! Hope and pray that today is a good day for you and that you will have many more! The two of you are such a testament for all the rest of us to use in our daily lives!
Prayerfully
Vicky Lancaster
Kristy McNutt
April 30, 2013PRAYERS!!! You and William have changed the way I look at life and that is a blessing! Be as strong as you seem Angie (I do not know you, but William is a great MAN) and know that SO MANY people care to give you the prayers and support!!!!
Danae Marquis
April 30, 2013Still in this fight with you both! Praising God for Will’s good days and giving Him glory for the good from the horrible situation!
Jenny Manley
April 29, 2013Hi Angie –
We were at CHBC together and I have been following your posts on this site the past several weeks. We live in the Middle East now, and I thought it might comfort you to know that I’m praying for you here often and during my days, which are your nights. I will pray specifically in addition to Will’s recovery that “you will not fear the terror of the night…” (Psalm 91:5) and that you will grasp how “high and wide and long and deep is the love of Christ” (Eph 3:18) in the midst of this.
Love,
Jenny Manley
Nancy LaRocco
April 29, 2013Greetings Angie and Will, Your updates are so appreciated even though it is so hard to do. We continue to pray for your miracle. So good to know Will , you are getting up and still fighting. Angie, your steadfast love for your husband and the Lord is truly amazing and inspiring. We continue to hope, pray and entreat our God who is able.
Mary Nasser
April 29, 2013Will and Angie,
I am another person who has never met you. I go to PCC, and I cannot stop praying for a miracle. Your courage inspires me.
Much love,
Mary
Thomas Anei
April 29, 2013Hello Angle
we are pray for Will in south sudan, The Bible tall us that God work for the good to those who love him, through prayer lord juses shall heal will very soon.
Thomas Anei
Nathan Robertson
April 29, 2013Praying for Will and the entire family every day!
Pam
April 28, 2013Angie, I don’t know either you or Will but learned about your journey from Katherine Wolf. I have been so moved by your posts and those of your friends and family. Your strength is amazing. Many couples live a lifetime having never experienced the love you and Will share. I pray for you and Will daily. Bless you and Will, Pam
Anne Preven
April 28, 2013Angie and Will.
I think about you both every day and I am sending love and healing thoughts your way. You are amazing and I continue to be overwhelmed by how gracefully you have both handled this most difficult situation.
Lots of love,
Anne
Rhonda
April 28, 2013I don’t know you except through Anna Worley . She posts your updates and I pray for you and that amazing man you have! Your strength and mercy are given daily … God provides. I am in awe of your faith in this hour. Will wins either way. You or God. I pray God is ok to wait for his arrival a few dozen years . You are lifted up !
Rhonda
Jeanna
April 28, 2013Angie, I can’t imagine what you are going through but I pray for you both – continued strength, healing, faith and love.
celeste kistler
April 28, 2013Dearest angie and Will,
I wait for your updates so that I can feel a part of what you going through. I pray for you daily, deep prayers in communication with God, and, in short breath prayers throughout the day. You are an inspiration to all of us and your love is precious and I so want to be as loving as you are.
All the blessings that our dear Lord can and will bestowe on you and your family.
Love, Celeste and Larry
Alex G
April 28, 2013Dear Angie,
We think and talk every day bout you. We all pray that the Doctors weren’t right and that there is way to post-cancer. U r amazing. I learn so much from you guys. Every day. Lots of Hope and Love for you and Will.
AlexKathiPollyLea
Steve Moore
April 28, 2013Angie, thank you for taking the time and energy to post updates. Praying in Paducah, Kentucky. I’ve been deeply inspired and encouraged by your faith in Christ and love for your husband. Thank you for consistently displaying God’s grace in these days. Praying specifically today that both you and Will may “live life well”. Grace and peace to you.
John & Marianne Kesler
April 28, 2013thank you for taking the precious time to update so we can somehow walk this road with you … even if in a small way or from a distance. love, prayers, thoughts, tears, repeated over & over, may His grace be your sufficiency this day …
Jo-Hannah Reynolds
April 28, 2013Angie,
I check every day for an update…how to better pray for you and Will–what specific things you need the Lord’s help with that day. You are often on my mind, and as often in my prayers. Your story is moving, and gripping, and heart-breaking. But I trust that as God hears my prayers, I pray for you the strength of ten men to do all that comes into your path on a daily basis. My friend, a cancer survivor, says cancer destroys the body, but empowers the soul and spirit, and with every update you give, I get that sense. Your souls have been awakened even more to the glory of who God is, and your lives have become moment by moment, breath by breath dependent upon Him. Which ultimately, is what He longs for from all of us. Your battle is far from over, but you are not battling alone. May today be a day full of blessings, and not heartaches; a day full of joy and not pain, and may you feel the prayers of the saints wrap around you.
Carolyn Angeles
April 28, 2013Hello Angle,
I go to church will John Ross. I just wanted you to know I am praying for Will and you…. Especially at night. I am in awe of your amazing love story and how you both truly show ” Christ in you” while you are going through this battle. The love you and Will share and trust in our sweet Lord is really an awesome gift to everyone who hears your story near and far. Much love and continuing prayers! Carolyn