The days continue on and there is not much new to report. But in that I don't want to lessen the miracle -- Will is still alive!
In a lot of ways we were thrown into this reality of living life day-by-day. But, to me, there is an uneasiness in life being day-by-day, even fear. Though we all know this is how we should live life, as nothing is guaranteed, there is something reassuring and comforting about not worrying if tomorrow will come. But, that is not the world we live in ... we don't know, and the recent tornadoes that ripped through Oklahoma are a prime example. In a moment, our world can change.
Will and I have talked about our dreams and hopes and future since the first time we hung out. Somewhere along the way, pretty early on in our relationship, we started noticing a pattern of obstacles at every turn, but if you know Will, nothing stops him from pushing forward, and with his relentless determination, it was easy to jump on board. Not that it wasn't hard at times or that I haven't shed many tears along the way, but with him the decision to continue on was easy, and it became fun and adventurous with an occasional meltdown. There were many days I would cry, not having a clue what we were doing or where we were going. And, there were many days that Will struggled to get out of bed from being so overwhelmed by everything on his plate. But, even in that he always seemed to know where we were going, even if he didn't really know. So many couches and floors we've slept on ... even a night in our car. So many nights of eating the soup rationed out for the next few days. So many hours spent working and working and working.
It's hard to know if it was worth it. I think Will could do anything he wanted. So, why did we go in this direction? As we sit where we are now, I wonder if it's all been worth it. And, yes, I believe it has. I do. Even in my questioning, I still believe it. Passion and determination are part of who Will is. He couldn't live life any other way. Maybe it has caused unnecessary stress at times, but no one knows how to live this life perfectly. Will always tells me, "Just do the next right thing." We've always wanted to live our lives in a way that would add some good to the world, and so we took risks to do that. We believe that our lives are not our own and so that gave us the courage to go out and do whatever we felt we were suppose to do. So maybe life can't be compartmentalized so easily ... separating work from life.
Work was never just work or about gaining a certain level of success or accomplishment to him. It was always about people and the music itself. The people we've worked with (or for) have become friends / family who are standing with us now. There has to be a balance, and we never really figured that out. But, as much as I wish we would have gone for a hike on that nice sunny day rather than staying inside sitting at our computers working, I have to remember that it wasn't about work as an end in itself ... we just needed to find that balance and maybe next time we'll choose the hike.
I feel like now we're in a similar situation with the choice of taking a risk or not -- knowing full well that Will's life is in our Lord's hands in whatever He chooses. Every ounce of my spirit is telling me to fight with all I have. I feel like I'm fighting not only for Will, myself and our marriage (which would totally be worth the fight), but I feel like I'm fighting for his many, many friends, his family, my family, all of those who love him so much, for a society that I believe with all my heart benefits from having Will in it, for music, for how much Will loves music and has devoted his life to it. I mention this last reason not to reduce Will to his music, but to highlight that it's so much a part of who he is, because to him it's about lives and what music has the power to do in people's lives ... in what beauty music in and of itself brings to the world.
I'm fighting, and I'm tired, and I'm weary, and I don't know what I'm doing. And, I'm really scared. But, I'm also madly in love with Will and trusting in our God who redeems even the smallest effort. Yet, all of this brings great risk ... we could spend every moment just laying next to each other and cherishing it all, cherishing all of our memories ... maybe we should. I would completely respect anyone who would choose to do that. But, if I do, I feel like I'm giving up on him and in a lot of ways, I would be. He wants to live. So I research and juice and prepare everything that seems to be giving him more energy and alertness, the ability to carry on lengthy conversations and go to the pool and get out of bed, but that takes away time from just being together.
He seems better each week ...but the cancer is still there. I see the tumors. I see him in pain. But, I don't want to give up. He's never given up on anything, which still holds true today. Even in his weakness there is strength. I believe in fighting for him. I know that he has approached everything he's ever done with a tenacity that is very rare. He would never let the risk or fear stop him from doing what he believes. I believe the Lord has given me unspeakable amounts of energy and determination, that are not naturally in me, to keep going day after day ... with really no end in sight. I don't know what God's will is for Will's life, but I trust Him with it, and I believe my job is to fight like I have never fought before and to pray like I have never prayed before. And, for each day that has passed, God has answered those prayers.
I want to thank you all for standing with us. I strongly believe that Will would not be here today if it weren't for the overwhelming love and support that we have received.
13 Comments
Esther laiacona
May 23, 2013Angie and Will I read both updates and am so thankful for both of you and the courage you both have to fight the good fight. I believe every person has a purpose to the last day of their life a purpose divinely chosen by God for each and every one of us it could be simple or more grand and certainly we cannot determine the path that purpose will be played out circumstances and so forth. I am so glad your words reflect the love of Christ and His power within you, the lov you both have for each other and the truth that none of use really never know what will come tomorrow. I cannot imagine the pain and paradox of this fight day by day you must feel. What i know for sure is that God is working through you both. What an honor to serve such an awesome God! We were created for His purpose. You both are pioneers for the Christian walk and I am inspired by your testimony and story. I also believe God is capable of anything even healing if that is His will. But your faithfulness, your honesty must be so pleasing to Him….I am more motivated to live for Him by reading your updates and thinking about what you must be going through it makes me drive harder work harder create more and be more diligent in my own walk. Shame on me, I think for my small complaints, granted Gods heart cares about every detail no matter how small but the Lord has worked in great ways and built my faith in my life and yet there are those times I complain and for what? Something silly and insignificant which seems to take precious energy from what is really important in life! For a few weeks I cried alot and prayed for days at a time, so much on your behalf I could not get you both off of my mind. I continue to pray for you both intently, I wish we had met when you were on the Vineyard I thought… “I wish my 19 year old son, also a gifted musician, had met Will and had that Christian example, been ministered to”… but you know what? My son was there the day they showed us the video at Assembly because my daughter was being dedicated so he saw your story and I believe his heart strings were pulled….keep ministering, keep going the next thing i love that and am gonna use it! Keep fighting keep reaching for God He is faithful through it all! Love and prayers sent your way from your sister in Christ, Esther (Esther Laiacona on Facebook)
Tina
May 23, 2013Angie and Will! Albert and I are praying with you from Cambodia. Your faith, courage, and perseverance have been such a source of encouragement to us. We are humbled by your faithful love for each other and trust in God and his plan (even if it makes zero sense to the rest of us!). I can’t presume to know what you’re going through, how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. But I do know that God can and will meet you wherever you are – whether you’re embracing the moment and taking that walk or in a dark place feeling alone. We pray that God will continue to make known to you his presence. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Where can you flee from his presence?
We pray for you regularly and send you our love. ~ Albert and Tina Shim
Carol Lee Stephens
May 23, 2013Angie & Will,
We continue to pray for you both!! I know you know, the fight in you, the strength in you is from Jesus. It’s always him!! You have been given great power- power enough to make the demons, run & tremble. You have been given all that pertains to life & righteousness. Claim it- others are claiming it for you both!! When you are weak, he is strong!! May God continue to sustain you during this time!! Prayers are lifted for you in Jesus’ name!!
John
May 22, 2013Love you Angie and Will. Your words are beautiful. Thank you for sharing from your hearts and keeping us in the story. Our prayers and hearts are with you always.
David Dark
May 22, 2013“Just do the next right thing.”
Thank you for this, Angie.
Deep love from the Dark 5.
Matt and Nancy McNeill
May 22, 2013Angie you are truly an angel. We are praying for your strength and Will’s. Lean on The Lord. We are praying for the two of you everyday. We can’t stop hearing Wills voice in the video stating ” I gave up the rights to my life when I said I was going to follow Christ” what a testimony of faith. We are faithful he will provide for you my sister in Christ.
Bethany
May 22, 2013I’ve been at the bedside of my deathly ill child and I know how scary, lonely, and endless it can feel. It is always worth the fight, every second. You are a champion. Your juicing and diligence and love are God made real. We were made to fight, while also letting go of the outcome, and it’s a paradox that you are walking well. Hang in there, sweet girl.
Laurie Dhonau
May 22, 2013My prayer each day is that God will restore Will’s health so that he can use the gifts God has already given him to bring even more glory to His name. God always gives us even more than we ask for. Angie’s posts are a testimony to two lives lived with faith and devotion. May the Lord continue to pour out His blessings on both of you.
Leesa Dean
May 22, 2013What a great and inspiring post! I’m a total stranger, but am standing here with both of you. And from my perspective, you’re doing the right thing.
Bethany and Craig
May 21, 2013Such a beautiful post, Angie. Standing with you in prayer every precious day. Hope to see you again soon. :)
Mike and Nancy LaRocco
May 21, 2013Dear Angie and Will, Thank you for your update. You are truly walking in the strength of the Lord. Lean on the prayers of God’s family. May God continue to give you wisdom to do the next right thing. The glory of God be in your midst, the power of God be upon you. “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage. And He shall strengthen your heart.” Love to you both.
Nancy Elliott
May 21, 2013I wore my GOTEAMGRAY shirt today prayerfully. I promise my continued prayers to you, Angie and Will. Angie, thank you for keeping all of us updated…your words are so powerful…I am going to remember that phase of Will’s for a long time…”Do the next right thing.” Love you both, Nancy
Layla
May 21, 2013Praying for you all Angie. You are both amazing.