The days continue on and there is not much new to report. But in that I don’t want to lessen the miracle — Will is still alive!
In a lot of ways we were thrown into this reality of living life day-by-day. But, to me, there is an uneasiness in life being day-by-day, even fear. Though we all know this is how we should live life, as nothing is guaranteed, there is something reassuring and comforting about not worrying if tomorrow will come. But, that is not the world we live in … we don’t know, and the recent tornadoes that ripped through Oklahoma are a prime example. In a moment, our world can change.
Will and I have talked about our dreams and hopes and future since the first time we hung out. Somewhere along the way, pretty early on in our relationship, we started noticing a pattern of obstacles at every turn, but if you know Will, nothing stops him from pushing forward, and with his relentless determination, it was easy to jump on board. Not that it wasn’t hard at times or that I haven’t shed many tears along the way, but with him the decision to continue on was easy, and it became fun and adventurous with an occasional meltdown. There were many days I would cry, not having a clue what we were doing or where we were going. And, there were many days that Will struggled to get out of bed from being so overwhelmed by everything on his plate. But, even in that he always seemed to know where we were going, even if he didn’t really know. So many couches and floors we’ve slept on … even a night in our car. So many nights of eating the soup rationed out for the next few days. So many hours spent working and working and working.
It’s hard to know if it was worth it. I think Will could do anything he wanted. So, why did we go in this direction? As we sit where we are now, I wonder if it’s all been worth it. And, yes, I believe it has. I do. Even in my questioning, I still believe it. Passion and determination are part of who Will is. He couldn’t live life any other way. Maybe it has caused unnecessary stress at times, but no one knows how to live this life perfectly. Will always tells me, “Just do the next right thing.” We’ve always wanted to live our lives in a way that would add some good to the world, and so we took risks to do that. We believe that our lives are not our own and so that gave us the courage to go out and do whatever we felt we were suppose to do. So maybe life can’t be compartmentalized so easily … separating work from life.
Work was never just work or about gaining a certain level of success or accomplishment to him. It was always about people and the music itself. The people we’ve worked with (or for) have become friends / family who are standing with us now. There has to be a balance, and we never really figured that out. But, as much as I wish we would have gone for a hike on that nice sunny day rather than staying inside sitting at our computers working, I have to remember that it wasn’t about work as an end in itself … we just needed to find that balance and maybe next time we’ll choose the hike.
I feel like now we’re in a similar situation with the choice of taking a risk or not — knowing full well that Will’s life is in our Lord’s hands in whatever He chooses. Every ounce of my spirit is telling me to fight with all I have. I feel like I’m fighting not only for Will, myself and our marriage (which would totally be worth the fight), but I feel like I’m fighting for his many, many friends, his family, my family, all of those who love him so much, for a society that I believe with all my heart benefits from having Will in it, for music, for how much Will loves music and has devoted his life to it. I mention this last reason not to reduce Will to his music, but to highlight that it’s so much a part of who he is, because to him it’s about lives and what music has the power to do in people’s lives … in what beauty music in and of itself brings to the world.
I’m fighting, and I’m tired, and I’m weary, and I don’t know what I’m doing. And, I’m really scared. But, I’m also madly in love with Will and trusting in our God who redeems even the smallest effort. Yet, all of this brings great risk … we could spend every moment just laying next to each other and cherishing it all, cherishing all of our memories … maybe we should. I would completely respect anyone who would choose to do that. But, if I do, I feel like I’m giving up on him and in a lot of ways, I would be. He wants to live. So I research and juice and prepare everything that seems to be giving him more energy and alertness, the ability to carry on lengthy conversations and go to the pool and get out of bed, but that takes away time from just being together.
He seems better each week …but the cancer is still there. I see the tumors. I see him in pain. But, I don’t want to give up. He’s never given up on anything, which still holds true today. Even in his weakness there is strength. I believe in fighting for him. I know that he has approached everything he’s ever done with a tenacity that is very rare. He would never let the risk or fear stop him from doing what he believes. I believe the Lord has given me unspeakable amounts of energy and determination, that are not naturally in me, to keep going day after day … with really no end in sight. I don’t know what God’s will is for Will’s life, but I trust Him with it, and I believe my job is to fight like I have never fought before and to pray like I have never prayed before. And, for each day that has passed, God has answered those prayers.
I want to thank you all for standing with us. I strongly believe that Will would not be here today if it weren’t for the overwhelming love and support that we have received.