Thirty five thousand feet. I find myself sitting here, flying between Los Angeles and Nashville. The wave of emotions continues to be extreme. I’m almost amazed at how much and how deeply I can feel and also how little… sometimes feeling totally numb. I spent the past week and half tying up loose ends, saying goodbye to friends that I love deeply, and waiting. Will had 7 hard drives full of everything. It took almost 2 weeks to consolidate and get the old ones running enough to get everything off. So, my time in LA was a little longer than I had anticipated. But, early this morning my friend took me to pick up the 3 TB hard drive that was finally finished with everything that could be recovered. That was it… the last thing I needed to do in LA. So, we continued on to LAX. I’ve had a lot of time to think this past week and half. Mostly because the mornings are too hard to get out of bed and the nights are too hard to fall asleep.
I just can’t figure this out. I know I never will, but I want to. I want to know why. I want to know why our lives had to be turned upside down in a moment. I want to know why I am left here. Why Will wasn’t. I want to know why everything was always so hard and unending from the first moment. I want to know why God has been so silent.
I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about faith lately. My faith. Will’s faith.
I still believe. I believe in a God who created life and I also believe this world is really fucked up. There is so much pain and suffering. There is so much hate and division. There is too much sickness and death. And, Will and I entered into the suffering deeper than I could have ever imagined. I know I have much to be thankful for, but I feel like I had almost everything taken from me. I don’t have a job. I had to leave my home and my community and friends in LA. The future I hoped for and dreamed of with Will is gone. My own mind torments me day and night. My partner, my love, my best friend, the one who made things in this life make sense that didn’t really make any sense, is no longer with me. And, God is silent. Why? Why did I have to lose so much…what feels like everything at times, and why doesn’t He seem to care? Not only that, but seems to have also left me.
I don’t believe that life was ever just about having what I want. Although I really wish I could have at least had Will, I would give up everything in a second if I could have him back. But I agree with what Will said, “I feel like I gave up the rights to my life when I said that I was going to follow Christ.” So I’m just trusting that Jesus will do what he came to do…redeem all that is broken. All of it. The pain, the suffering, the hate, the sickness… I trust that. Everything else I’ve been told or believed… I don’t know. Maybe I was too quick to think I ever really understood anything. Maybe the Bible is just full of people crying out to God in their suffering…God telling them how little they understand…and then fixing it. I believe He’s going to fix this. I do. I really believe that because I believe that’s what He does…He sent Jesus.
My faith has definitely changed. I’m seriously more confused than ever. But, Jesus is the linchpin to my faith. Because of Him, there is acknowledgment from God, the universe, whatever, that things are not right here. Will’s suffering, pain, and death were wrong and needs redemption. That what he went through was terrible and horrific in every sense of the word. That my grief and pain and hurt needs redemption. Will and I experienced a depth of suffering so deep and painful, I can’t even begin to comprehend it myself… but I know I’m not the only one in this place of suffering. And, I believe that Jesus came to redeem it all…all over the world. I believe that He gives us glimpses of it in each other. When we truly love each other and help each other. Not in how we think the other person should be loved, but when we really enter into the darkness (or the light) with someone, love them how they need to be loved. Sit with them in their pain. I remember times when Will would struggle to get out of bed because of his depression. I would try to encourage him to get up… let’s go for a walk… let’s do something… anything… you’ll feel better. That’s not how he needed to be loved. How I wish I could go back… I would get in bed with him. I would hold him in his pain. I would love him in the darkness until he was ready to come out and we could come out together. He did that for me constantly. He met me in my darkness. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to try to just make everything better and “happy” right now, if it just wasn’t. Maybe we need to acknowledge when life is hard and fucked up and that’s why there was a need for Jesus to come and be with us in our darkness in the first place. If all of this was ok… if all of the pain, the suffering, the evil wasn’t a big deal and we just needed or even could, just get over it and move on, then there wouldn’t have been a need for Jesus to come. So, maybe we need to be okay sitting with each other in the darkness for a minute. And, trust that there will be redemption of all the pain. And that there is redemption even now in the moments of real love displayed. I guess that’s where I am in my faith journey. In a place that I am even a little uncomfortable with, but it’s where I am… at least where I am right now at the 35,000 foot view
**I know some of you may be uncomfortable with the profanity in this post. That’s okay. I am a little too. But, the truth is, there is no other word to describe what is happening. I could say messed up or screwed up, but the those words aren’t accurate. They don’t describe the depth of suffering. So, I don’t use that word to be edgy or anything. I use it to be honest to where I sit in this world and where I know many of us sit. And, because I believe many of us need to be less uncomfortable with a “word” and more uncomfortable with the reality of where people are.